February 25th, 2005

Brad @ Burning Man

Partial Status Report

A month ago, I was put on a new medication that was supposed to help my panic attacks, Zoloft. A couple of weeks ago, they upped the dosage. Since then, I've been plagued by one of the known side effects: massive sleep disruption. It takes me hours to get to sleep, then I sleep fitfully for a couple of hours and can't get back to sleep at all for a random period of time ranging from 8 to 30 hours. My brain is numb from two weeks of sleep disruption. I've tried to write anything, even this much of a status update, for weeks now and nothing coherent came out. I've barely managed to keep myself fed, and at that, the kitchen is the worst disaster area I've ever let it become since Margaret Sale died twenty years ago. Not only am I far, far behind on the dishes, but I haven't left the apartment in the last two weeks, not even to take the trash out. I missed my Wednesday appointment at the food pantry, too.

I did make it to the_geoffrey's Readers' Party last weekend, because I had a ride to make me go. That was a good thing, because I had a very demonstrative fan there and I needed that in the worst way.

Supposedly I've got money to get to Conflation. But because of my brain fuzzing out, I didn't get one of the donations transferred from PayPal in time, and I lent the other to kukla_tko42, who was supposed to pay me back Wednesday or yesterday after cashing her paycheck. I guess if I make it to Conflation, I can either write a post-dated check or catch up with her to get the money. I think there's enough gas in the car to get to Clayton; I doubt there's enough gas in the car to get back. The checking account is overdrawn, and I have $0.05 on my person.

I could be a bigger loser. But then, I'm working on it.

As I was told by minidoc, and by another friend who had the same problem when on Zoloft, after a couple of weeks the sleep disruption problem is subsiding. Now, however, I am at one of those moments that I tend to call "go/no-go point omega," the last possible moment to make an irrevocable decision. (Decades of depression have taught me by trial and error to postpone irrevocable decisions as long as possible. The "omega" go/no-go point is the last such point; after that, you're committed.) My rent is due (and my informal lease extension up) on the 4th, one week from today. I can stall eviction for a while. Thanks to the cold weather rule, I've got a few weeks to a month after that before the utilities get turned off. The cellphone probably won't last that long; I'm not sure about my internet access.

I have an offer of a basement to live in for free, and it comes with food. It's as absolutely far from any help I could get for my problem as you can possibly be and have even the Census Bureau claim that you're in the St. Louis metro area, but the price is right. If I take that offer, then absolutely no later than next weekend I have to be packed and out of this place.

The only reasonable way to stave this off is to decide that I'm well enough, that the panic attacks and the depression are adequately medicated, that I can stand to go back to GC Services ... if, in fact, that offer is even still on the table. I think so, but I haven't heard back. Anyway, if that option is open, then in theory I can beg or borrow enough money to tide me over until paydays resume.

But I absolutely have to decide this weekend.

Now to try to motivate myself to get out of the house to Conflation. I still don't want to leave the house.