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Say No to Shoggoth/Human Sex!

I have long known that there is a (fictitious) perverse subculture that is "into" the idea of having sex with shoggoths, and which promotes the idea of shoggotth sex as harmless fun. On behalf of you, my readers, I have researched this subject, and I must implore you in the strongest terms. Do not seek to have sex with a shoggoth. If you should find out that someone you know is having sex with a shoggoth, or is seriously contemplating doing so, please involve the police and mental health professionals as quickly as possible.

What Is a Shoggoth? For those of you who've only heard of shoggoths through second-hand references, pop culture jokes, and the occasional rumor, let me summarize for you the findings of the 1930 Pabodie Expedition, as popularized by the only healthy survivor of that expedition (ghost written, we now know, by Howard P. Lovecraft, but otherwise considered reliable) in the account entitled "At the Mountains of Madness." As everybody since then has grown up knowing, it was the Pabodie Expedition that first discovered the forbidden alien city buried in the south polar ice. The species that built that city had one primary multi-purpose tool, a kind of all-purpose robot called a shoggoth.

Imagine, if you will, a blob of matter about the size of a small school bus. This blob of matter is nearly indestructible, although sufficiently powerful energy weapons can injure one. (Unfortunately, we as a species still do not have sufficiently powerful energy weapons.) By nature, they are very nearly transparent in normal light, perceptible only by a change in the angle of refraction of light passing through one. However, they can change color at will. They are almost infinitely plastic, and can extrude or shape their surface into any sense organ, organ of speech, or manipulator organ they desire. They are tremendously physically strong. They adapt and function equally well in surface atmosphere, in water of any known depth, or in vacuum. They do not require food, water, or any kind of atmosphere. They do not seem to react unfavorably to any extreme of temperature, hot or cold, normally attainable on earth. Nobody knows how they were made or what they were made of; at the present, the leading theories are non-replicating nanotechnology, exotic matter, or animated ectoplasm. (Since none of these things exist in sufficient quantity for us to study, they make convenient excuses for incomprehensibly advanced technology, no?)

Shoggoths were not originally created as intelligent robots. Originally, the use of a shoggoth required the control of a telepathic operator. However, as their creator species expanded in numbers and need beyond the number of available telepaths, the shoggoths were "upgraded" with a limited form of artificial intelligence to allow them to understand speech, and to respond in kind. Their creator species could not have known what a terrible mistake they were making. You see, they were not native to this planet, but recent colonists at the time of the dinosaurs. There was a prior species of terrestrial intelligence, one native to the reducing atmosphere that pre-dated the oxygen/CO2 cycle of life. Those beings, few in number but vast in intelligence, are deeply allergic to carbon/water life. In short exposure, it is unpleasant to them; prolonged exposure could kill them. So when the chlorophyll ecological disaster rendered their (our) native planet uninhabitable to them, they retreated by rotating their physical bodies into other spatial dimensions. However, they do occasionally scout our planet at locations remote from dense life, such as deep caves and high mountain tops, and that is why the formerly popular hobby sports of mountain climbing and cave exploration are now viewed with deep suspicion by all right minded people. These beings are constantly looking for organic intelligence that they can corrupt or otherwise persuade to assist them in destroying all organic life on earth, returning the planet to a state where they can live on it.

When these entities discovered independently exploring shoggoths, they made one imperceptible adjustment to the shoggoth design. They did not give the shoggoths sufficient free will to resist telepathic command, but they did give them enough free will to resent it. The shoggoths quietly uplifted each other to this limited form of intelligence ... and in an intense, brief war exterminated nearly all intelligent life on earth. Only a few of our amphibian and intermittently hostile neighbors, the Deep Ones, survived that war, and only by hiding out of sight until the shoggoths had convinced themselves that they were no longer at risk. (Our ancestors, being as yet unintelligent, were no threat to a shoggoth at that time.) Having thus freed themselves from oppression, most of the shoggoths then dug pits for themselves in scattered spots around the globe and sought to rid themselves of their unwanted gift of sentience by shutting themselves off as much as possible. The rest seem to dwell in a volcanically heated cave beneath the alien city, and that is why the world's militaries all agree that this city must remain off-limits to exploration.

Should any shoggoth discover that human beings are (a) native to this world, (b) numerous, (c) sentient, and (d) capable through widely suppressed and deeply illegal lore of learning to telepathically control a shoggoth, we would also be destroyed. Our destruction as a species would be even more inevitable and swift than the original purge of sentient life on earth, as we have a narrower range of environments into which we can escape and fewer weapons capable of harming a shoggoth. It was by threatening just this, threatening to awake and educate the shoggoths, that the Deep One inhabitants of Yhan'thlei were able to escape the technologically inferior but numerically superior wrath of the US Navy back after 1928, leading to our current state of fragile truce.

What is Shoggoth Sex? There are those who see the shoggoths as ultimate weapons, and to someone trained in telepathic command, they would be, but for one thing. If the operator's control over the shoggoth should slip for even an instant, the shoggoth would turn on him. Should this happen in a populated area, that shoggoth would turn on us all, and in self-defense arouse the wrath of the other shoggoths. There are human beings who claim to have read written records from time travellers, predicting that this is the relatively immanent fate of the human race. Nonetheless, allow me to point out that knowledge of the nature and capabilities of the shoggoths has been widespread among scholars since the 1940s. Access to previously forbidden lore has become widespread in the Internet Age. And yet somehow, we have not destroyed ourselves, and so there is some reason to hope that humanity may escape its fate. So far, the few human beings who have awakened shoggoths have been solitary individuals, who were (presumably) mistaken for lone extra-terrestrial explorers; the awakened shoggoths have all gone back to sleep after killing their would-be masters. Let us hope that this string of luck continues.

I am given to understand that there are people whose kinks make sex with a shoggoth seem very attractive. There are thrill-seekers and sensation addicts who find the idea of an infinitely malleable sex partner very stimulating. There are hard-core dominants who find the idea of telepathically controlling (and sexually humiliating) a being of such tremendous power to be irresistibly thrilling. Remember the mantra: OK sex is always safe, sane, and consensual. Is sex with a shoggoth safe? Not only is it not safe for you, it's not safe for the rest of us if you try it. Is sex with a shoggoth sane? First of all, very few of the people who've studied the Necronomicon techniques of telepathic projection have remained entirely sane, and secondly, how sane is it to risk the extermination of the human race just to have a good time? And no matter what excuses you make, it's never consensual for the shoggoth. At the risk of being accused of being one of those hypocrites who finds his own tastes perfectly healthy but who disapproves of the kinks of others, sex between humans and shoggoths must not be permitted.

I can not endorse the private possession and use of a weapon of mass destruction for the purpose of sexual gratification.

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Comments

( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
katayamma
Oct. 3rd, 2004 10:20 pm (UTC)
What about Yog Shoggoth? Would that be OK?

*laughs*

Dude.. You must have DEFINITELY been bored tonight. :)
bradhicks
Oct. 3rd, 2004 10:49 pm (UTC)
There are unconfirmed reports that the famous Dunwich Massacre of September 1928 involved one or more offspring of the mating between a human woman and the pre-oxygen entity referred to in the Necronomicon as Yog-Sothoth, if that's who you mean. This is the only known report that suggests that humans and Great Old Ones (as they are sometimes called) are interfertile or that either party would survive such an attempt, and I frankly must tell you that in my opinion, that part of the account is simply not credible.

Newspaper and magazine reports of the time suggest that the devastation in the Dunwich Valley was the work of occult forces released by the death of a decadent Necronomicon-trained wizard and possible shapeshifter known as Wilbur Whately. There was a published theory, first put forth by the scholars from nearby Miskatonic University that Whately derived his powers from Great Old One semi-ancestry, but such a thing would be unprecedented in human history, exoteric or esoteric. It is far easier to believe that he was the (for that time period and place, not uncommon) result of interbreeding in a family with possible ghoulish and/or Deep One ancestry.

Do not be excessively impressed by the Miskatonic imprimatur on Dr. Armitage's early work. This was back when Miskatonic was an unimportant state college that would take almost anybody, not the defense-contract enriched, highly selective, internationally prestigious school of military thaumaturgy that we know today.

I realize that it is an open question as to whether or not it is even possible for a human being to mate with a Great Old One, but as someone who's read much of the literature in reliable secondary sources, I frankly think the idea is absurd. Nonetheless, I agree with the UN, Congress, the FBI, and most state and local police officials that it is entirely reasonable to prohibit occult rituals (or for that matter, even extended camping) in places that vulnerable to Great Old One interference.
katayamma
Oct. 3rd, 2004 11:10 pm (UTC)
Yep. I was right. You do have too much time on your hands.
penh
Oct. 5th, 2004 01:59 pm (UTC)
There's no such thing as "too much time" to be spent on protecting humanity from the unspeakable horrors that lurk in unknown spaces. Laugh now, but you'll be laughing out the other side of your ragged, spurting neck stump if those brave souls putting their sanity on the line for the defense of Earth should slack in their endeavours because they feel pressured to find a more "normal" hobby.
chipuni
Oct. 3rd, 2004 10:30 pm (UTC)
It's a FICTITIOUS perverse subculture?

Dammit...

Now, what am I going to do with all these shoggoths?
bradhicks
Oct. 3rd, 2004 10:36 pm (UTC)
You're going to tiptoe around their sleeping forms until you find another apartment. You're going to notify the FBI or the UN's International Occult Non-Proliferation Agency (IONA) where to find them, even if you have to do so anonymously. You're going to hope against all hope that nobody noisy moves in downstairs before a way is found to put them back in their pits without waking them.

Otherwise, it could be ... bad.

P.S. What were you thinking?
caraig
Oct. 3rd, 2004 11:47 pm (UTC)
Having your downstairs neighbor bang on their cieling/your floor to let you know they're out of sugar and would like to borrow some of yours is RIGHT OUT.
talas
Oct. 4th, 2004 01:00 am (UTC)
Would it be possible to contact any (semi-safe to humans) race that would be able to combat the sleeping Shoggoth threat, should they awaken?

Or, will we forever be at the mercy of those who wish to endanger us all in such a manner?
tamahori
Oct. 4th, 2004 01:30 am (UTC)
How about keeping shoggoth around for eating people I don't like? Is that ok?

I don't have any currently, and these 'Zerg' I picked up seem to be doing ok (though the post office is getting really ratty about last time the zerglings got out) but I'm thinking I might need something more eldrich in the near future, and shoggoth seem to measure up well in the 'versatility' and 'really really dangerous' scales going by these reviews I've got out of Mad Scientist Monthly.

I have had somebody say that genetically engineered monkeys are always in fashion (and kids love monkeys) but I'm wondering if they might not have been overdone a bit of late.

It also seems to be easier to get shoggoth to match the wall coverings, which can be an important choice point.


Brett, who needs something to hold him over till the ninja-pirates are ready.


Hey, at least I didn't go for the Space Pirate Amazon Ninja Catgirl option. (do you have any idea how much it costs to keep them in shampoo?)
nancylebov
Oct. 4th, 2004 05:15 am (UTC)
I realize that telepathically coerced sex annoys shoggoths, but this is why they'll be really angry if they wake up.
amberite
Oct. 6th, 2004 02:29 pm (UTC)
For that, I friend you.
the_gneech
Apr. 4th, 2005 02:20 pm (UTC)
Isn't that what all that tentacle hentai is all about?

-TG
(Anonymous)
May. 19th, 2005 05:39 pm (UTC)
tele
I'm fairly new to telepathic sex - could you tell me, what sort of possibilities should i be on the look out for/beware of and what should i do to protect my friends?

scyllawhateley
Jan. 17th, 2007 03:32 am (UTC)
LOL
Lovecraft humor! Yay!
I seriously love this, man.
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )